July 2018

Dear Diabetes,

I have been traveling for the past 2 weeks and everywhere I go, there you are! Almost everyday there is a sign of you and I take that as a reminder to keep me in check.

I just don’t know why I keep on encountering people who insist on telling me horror stories of diabetes? I know you have been unkind to many but I decided I will make friends with you and that is the deal between us.

One of your wonderful signs of you, is that you make me physically tired. Whether blood sugar goes a bit higher or lower than normal, I feel it in a form of fatigue and I have learned that is a sign that it is time to rest. How cool is that? Before meeting you, I used to go on and on and now, I pause, take rest and begin again.

Just like now…I am too tried after 2 intensive days of attending a conference for my work and you are giving me hint to go and rest…

More next week,,,,

I don’t know how different people are when it comes to limitations and freedom of choice, but I am quite big on this. I don’t like limitations imposed on me by an external factor. This means my freedom is being taken away from me and I “HAVE TO” do things because….

I don’t want anyone or any”thing” forcing me to change something in my life. Sounds awful I know, but it was my truth then.

Up until that moment. Problems showed up in my life and I solved them and removed them from my life.

Actually when any challenge showed up I normally distracted myself with something that keeps my mind off the challenge. I always excelled in that distraction and took pride in it and by being consumed with all that, the challenge lost its power or at least this is what I made myself believe.

So here I am with type LADA diabetes and for the first time in my life there is nothing I can distract myself with. Nothing…

This time I am facing it right into the eye and have to stare there and understand it and make my peace with it. Peace? No way…I was not even slightly close to that point.

So what happened is that when I came home and everything seemed dark.

As if there was a layer of darkness over everything. I was rubbing my eyes to see clearly and yet it was dark. Everything felt dull, smelt rotten and I entered the tunnel of the unknown which I have actively been avoiding.

I felt I could not see, predict or feel anything. I became numb and stayed hiding in the tunnel. Inside the tunnel was damp, dark and lonely. It was so lonely as if the whole world doesn’t exist and as if there was no way out and at that moment I was not so sure if I wanted a way out. I wanted to undo everything, to remove it and more….

But then something happened. Little by little I got used to the tunnel. I started getting curious about the darkness and I started exploring it.

You know the saying “there is light at the end of the tunnel”? I was focusing so much at the end of the tunnel that I got tired. It was exhausting. So I surrendered and stayed in the deep, cold dark.

Have you been in a dark place when at first you can’t see anything and as the time passes, you start seeing?

So this is what happened when I let go of looking at the end of the tunnel.

I learned there is light inside the tunnel.

I started exploring inside the tunnel. This was looking deep down inside of me. Looking at the sadness and helplessness and started embracing my true feelings. It can sound so touchy feely I know but that was THE ONLY WAY…

And let me tell you that it is liberating.

After days of staying in the house, looking inward and BEING with what was, one morning I woke up and heard a Myna bird singing behind my window. The ray of sunshine came on my face and something shifted inside my gut. Something moved in me.

I sat on my bed and said to myself: if after all the trainings and self developments and the beautiful deep work that I have done related to my work, if after having all those tools , there is one person who can manage this situation, it is ME.

And at that very moment, my new life began.

And this concludes my story.

So the blogs to follow, will be about my life after this point.